April 1, 2023

Why do men disappear when they learn I’m heavy?

I am a 50-year old woman who, like a lot of Americans, has a weight problem. I am changing that, but at the present I need to lose a lot more. I find myself getting discouraged because most of the men whose profiles I have looked at in my age range want a slim/slender woman. Some of these men don’t care about language, ethnicity, smoking habits or even if she is from three to six feet tall, as long as she is skinny. It makes me want to scream out, “If you want a Barbie doll, shop at Toy R Us!”

I am not into telling lies, so when I do get a response and tell the person that I am overweight, that is the end. No response — just dead air. So what should I say? I have tried saying that I am losing weight (27 pounds in the past 4 months!) and that it has nothing to do with who I am inside. If a man won’t look past the body, how can he know if a woman will be his soul mate or not?


Dear Linda,

I’m not going to snow you with feel-good talk. Being overweight puts you at a big disadvantage in any forum where first impressions are often the only impressions. Men size women up visually before deciding to investigate further, and a thin waist screams to the primitive core of our brains, “I can make babies.” It’s akin to the message a pompous, greased-hair stock broker in a Ferrari sends to women’s brains, but that’s more about feeding and clothing said babies.

So some people may get a little more action than they might really deserve, judging them by their characters, and others may get a little less. You’re frustrated because you, idealistically, believe people should look beyond cultural, superficial standards to see the great person you are. In a make-believe world, they will. On Earth, 95% won’t.

You may be among the exalted 5%. I suppose you’re ready to return the generosity of not bypassing someone for an aesthetic trait, even when it’s “nothing personal.” If so, search for those rare people who have the patience, maturity and motivation to get to know someone so they may, in time, judge them qualitatively. They exist, but they’re not the majority. Most people don’t have the inclination to do this, and others lack the depth. But as long as you’re proudly telling the truth about yourself, you won’t have trouble spotting such a person when he comes along even on adultfrienedfinder. I wish there were an easier way, Linda.

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